How do I tell my wife I need her to stop buying so many clothes?
How do I tell my boss that I want to work part-time?
How do I ask a colleague to behave differently towards me?
How do I provide a peer with feedback on their performance?
What do they all have in common?
These are some real-life questions from recent “How to have a difficult conversation” programmes I’ve facilitated.
Often, the worry about having the conversation comes from a fear of how the other person will react and what that conversation will do to the relationship. There might also be a worry about how the person initiating the conversation will react (will I get angry, upset, or withdrawn?)
What this means is that the conversations often go unsaid and unresolved.
Sometimes (rarely), it’s ok – and the situation resolves perfectly. But more often, there is just building resentment from the person who wants to initiate the conversation towards the other person. And the other person is often blissfully unaware of the behind-the-scenes byplay and emotion.
Or the situation gets worse.
Or the person who wants to have the conversation blows up when it all gets too much and what might have been a nice calm conversation now has very little chance of landing properly.
So, it’s no surprise then that people are a bit angstie about it all; particularly in the workplace, where employment law legislation and HR rules and regulations also come into the equation.
Intent v impact
It can be different though. Difficult conversations don’t need to be difficult.
The authors of Difficult Conversations make the point that the key is to separate intent from impact.
This starts with a bit of preparation. What is your intent? What are you hoping to achieve from the conversation? What would you like to be different or to change? What assumptions might you be making? How would someone else see the situation? What is the situation stirring up for you?
Being clear that good intent from your perspective can sometimes land differently in terms of impact – so pay attention to that in advance. How can you create safety in the conversation? How can you emphasise good intent, even if the subject matter is difficult? What strengths do you inherently possess to create the right environment for the discussion? How are you likely to react and respond in the moment?
A framework
The following is a simple framework adapted from the Difficult Conversations book.
Here’s the really magical thing about it – just a few minutes of thinking, planning and preparation can make all the difference.
It’s when we rush into things headstrong or with emotion or lack of preparation that things tend to go off track.
The Takeaway
Planning, preparing, reflecting and creating safety. They all make the difference.
Relationship over content – always..
More Resources..
Dr Brene Brown video on empathy
How to use others’ feedback to learn and grow
Brene Brown – the Hardest Feedback I’ve ever received part 1
Brene Brown – the Hardest Feedback I’ve ever received part 2
Five levels of listening podcast
Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most
Want more still…….
If the above has whetted your appetite, and you’re keen for more.. Here are some ideas:
Does leadership interest you? You can sign up to my FREE seven day “Be a Better Boss Challenge” by clicking here. And you can click here to buy my book.
Want to chat? Click here to get in touch.
Want some help in meeting your goals? Sign up to the permission to dream programme, by clicking here.
Want more to read? You can read any of the 300+ blog posts on this site, by clicking here.
Want to know more about my latest venture? Click here to be notified when our Neuro Nudges website goes live..
See you soon,
