There are times in many employment relationships where a conversation needs to take place that can be make or break. A conversation that is to had either as a leader or as an employee.
One of “those” conversations.
Of course, these are often the conversations that we put off because we think they will be difficult, awkward or uncomfortable.
And so things don’t get said when they need to be said. Feelings fester. Positions become entrenched.
What was a smaller issue becomes bigger. What was fixable becomes less so.
So, what to do? How to have one of “those conversations”.
A good first step is always to write out a script/letter of what you would say.
Note, this doesn’t mean you have to say it or send it. Just write it.
Then, show this to a trusted friend or partner.
- Is your position clear?
- Is it too emotive?
- Does it acknowledge the other person’s position?
- Do you take accountability for your part in the situation?
- Is it clear what you want to be different?
Sometimes, just the act of putting it all down gives clarity to the situation and it becomes clear that the issue is something else entirely.
Sometimes, the script needs finessing and other people’s perspectives can allow you to see a different point of view that is hard when you’re looking at something entirely through your own lens.
Delivering the message
When you are clear on what you want to say, why you want to say it, and what you want to be different; consider the best way to deliver the message.
Remember that sending a message via text/email or letter means you have no control over when the person receives it. You have no ability to moderate the message or the delivery depending on their mood.
For this reason, being able to deliver the message face to face is always better if possible. This allows you to change tack if you need to based on the feedback you’re receiving. For example, if you’ve scheduled a meeting and it’s clear the person has just received bad news, you might make a decision to defer the conversation to a better time.
Preparing yourself
Having a clear mind before you deliver a difficult message is important. See if you can take yourself off for a quick walk around the block or do some deep breathing or mindful mediation in the toilet for a few minutes prior to the meeting.
If you think that you might get overwhelmed in the meeting, tell the other person you’ll be reading from a script because it’s important and you don’t want to miss anything out. At the very least, you’ll know that the key points have been delivered before you get into the chat.
Once you’ve delivered your message
Remember to be clear on what your key points are, what you want to be different and what outcome you ideally want. It helps to have something that can centre you if the conversation gets difficult or off topic.
Play the ball, not the person. What’s the issue here? Try not to be personally emotive towards the other person and if possible think about how you are being experienced and received by the other person.
If you were hearing you and seeing you, how would you react?
This is definitely one of those times where being prepared and thoughtful reaps benefits. And if there is one message that I leave you with today – it is this: don’t put it off.
Be prepared, be thoughtful, but don’t put it off.
Where to from here?
If you want to discuss how I could help you prepare to have a difficult conversation, get in touch.
And if you’re still hungry for more, you can read more posts on difficult conversations here or find my leadership book here which has a number of free resources on conflict, building a great team, and providing feedback.
Until next week, happy leading.
